Overcoming My Past

The first few times someone mentioned to me that I was possibly in an emotionally abusive relationship, I laughed and completely disregarded what they said and moved on. After it was said I remember thinking that was NOT what was happening in my life and it was just something wrong with me, there was something more I could be doing in the relationships I was in to make things better.

It wasn’t until spring of 2017 when I read an article about emotional abuse that I was completely floored. A friend on Facebook had posted a quick article about it but it wasn’t worded as “emotional abuse”. It had a different title that very much interested me at the time and I frankly can’t remember what the name of the article was. However, after reading, I was stunned, paralyzed, and numb. What I read, in my opinion, was exactly what I had been dealing for a good majority of my life, in multiple different types of relationships. I felt like a ton of bricks had been dropped on me, I couldn’t believe it.

I started doing more research on the topic thinking that still couldn’t possibly be the case but the more I read and the more research I did, the more I realized I had absolutely no idea what emotional abuse was. One of the main reasons I didn’t know what it was, was because I had been living like that most of my life and I didn’t even know there wasn’t people like that. I seemed to gravitate towards those type of people because that’s what I knew and that was were I was comfortable. I knew how to deal with, tolerate, and accept it so I stuck with what I knew even though it wasn’t good.

As much as it hurt to read that article and do all of that research, it was so absolutely freeing at the same time. Having the information, knowing what was going on in my life, knowing why I felt the way I did and that I really wasn’t crazy was a very liberating moment. I had actually started to believe that there was something wrong with me and that I was crazy and that I needed to be on medication. I had actually been told a few times by certain individuals, that I believe were emotionally abusive, that I needed to be on medication. I had started to believe it and was thinking maybe they were right. Turns out that is one of the things the emotionally abusive people do, they distort reality and manipulate you into questioning your own sanity. This is also known as gaslighting.

Anyway, that is a topic for another blog post!

The point is that I felt free and like I had actually taken control of my life for the first time. After about two weeks of letting the shock wear off, I started to feel really good and like there was still hope for me and my life. I wasn’t trapped or stuck, I didn’t have to keep living that way, there was a way out, change was possible. I now knew what was going on and now I could start moving forward from there. At the time though, I had no idea how rough the road would be to change. I figured that now I knew, now I could move on, I had no idea how much damage had been done and how much healing I needed to do.

I went through such a rough patch all last summer, I went off the deep end as people like to put it. I went into a really dark place, a place I never thought I’d go, yet I ended up there. During those three to four months, I kept wondering how I could go from such a strong, bright, and mostly happy place, a place of positivity and hope to such a dark, sad, and lonely place with no hope for a happy future. It has taken me up until about a month ago to really pinpoint and realize what happened.

The best way I can describe it is that it was like someone who was addicted to some sort of substance quit cold turkey and they just lost their mind during the detox. I had been in such a place that I had to live every minute of my life worrying about the outcome of everything I did or said and that switched to not having to worry about that at all. I was coming down off a high that had been there for most of my life and I didn’t know what to do with myself once that drug was gone. I just lost it. I didn’t know who to trust, who to talk to, or what to do.

I had made my life and built my walls and coping mechanisms around the types of relationships I kept finding myself in. My strength and endurance came from learning how to hold up those walls and my happiness and will to push on came from building those coping mechanisms. I had learned how to balance everything and it was working. Once I realized there wasn’t anyone on the other side of that wall, and I didn’t have to use my coping mechanisms anymore, it threw my entire life off balance.

I hadn’t realized there was a life without walls, I hadn’t realized that you didn’t need to build so many different ways of doing things just get through life. There really is a different way to live and thankfully its not surrounded by walls to help avoid continually getting hurt. Do you still get hurt through life, ABSOLUTELY! But it’s different when you have someone to lean on and help you rather than hurt you more when you try to lean on them.

In October I finally decided I needed to pull myself out of this funky dark hole I had created for myself. I had no idea how to even go about starting that process. I met James about three days after I had decided to make this change in my life and I can not tell you how truly blessed I am that I found this man when I did. He has helped, pulled, and carried me through so much in the last seven months. I truly thank my Heavenly Father everyday for this man.

Please don’t get me wrong, I didn’t change for him, or because he came into my life, I did it for myself. He happens to be a huge strength, support, and encouragement while I work towards my goals. One of the things I have noticed along my journey to bettering myself and as my relationship with James grows, is just how damaged I am from past relationships. Yes, I had let down a lot of my walls and learned a lot about the type of people I need to avoid having in my life, but there are some really deep wounds still there that I need to work through.

I never imagined and it took me months to realize just how much damage had been done over the years and just how many different things I did, how many ways of coping I had learned that I no longer need. The things I say, the things I do, how I act and react to certain situations, I never realized how unhealthy those things were for a relationship until I subconsciously started doing them out of survival habit. I had learned to do things a certain way because in past relationships not doing things those certain ways always resulted in something negative, and often times emotionally painful.

These changes are hard and I am still learning of different ways I have been hurt that I didn’t even realize. I am still learning that not all of my walls are down, I still hold a few up very firmly. Trying to trust again is so difficult and causes some issues in my very new marriage. Thankfully, I have a very patient, kind, loving, and forgiving man for a husband. I am getting better, I am actively working on becoming a better person and overcoming the habits and fears I have developed in my past. I read a lot of books, do a lot of research, a lot of self-evaluation, I pray a lot, and read my scriptures every day to keep moving forward towards becoming the best person I can be.

I want to change, I want to be a better person, I want to move on. I do not want to be identified as a victim all my life and play the sympathy card. I want to be amazing and happy. I want to do so much with my life and I am not going to let my past keep me down, I am better than that.