I am scared

Emotional abuse is no joke. The fear that stems from emotional abuse is something I didn't even realize was a thing. I can't speak for anyone else that has been through emotional abuse but I know for myself I repressed the fear and hid the fear and came up with ways to cope and deal with the fear. It's an all-consuming fear and I didn't realize it until this morning. The energy it takes to hide these fears is overwhelming. I have bouts of strong times where I can push through or push the fear deep down inside and no one knows that I'm dealing with. However, I can only keep that fear buried for a certain amount of time before it becomes so overwhelming and I can't deal with even the smallest and simplest things in life.

It has been a little over a year since I came to the realization that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. I may have mentioned it before but I thought at the time that I had figured out what was going on and why I was actually wanting out of the relationship so leaving would make things all better. Oh, how very wrong was I! That was just the start. The first step to getting better and healing is recognizing there is a problem. Well, I recognized it and I had no clue just how hard the road to recovery would be.

I have taken steps to work on overcoming the coping mechanisms I have formed over the years and I am slowly starting to break down the walls I built over the last 12 years. The next step on this road to recovery for me was realizing how much fear there was in my life. It hit so hard this morning and brought me to tears. I am scared.

Over the years all of these different emotions I had were really me finding ways to deal with and hide the fear that was stirring inside. I had to become very quick witted and extremely defensive just to deal with and get through life. Those were ways of dealing with the fear that I had. When I felt angry or had strong feelings of hate, those were also covering up the real issue, fear.

Some of you may be asking, what were you so afraid of? If you have ever been in an emotionally abusive relationship, you probably already know and these will all seem very familiar to you. What was I afraid of, let me tell you. I was scared of being told yet again that I was wrong, I was scared of being told again that it was my fault. I was scared of how I would be treated for having certain opinions or doing certain things. I was scared of feeling stupid all over again for trivial things. I was scared of being ignored for weeks or months at time by the person that claimed to love me because I didn’t do something the way they thought it should have been done. I was scared of all my past mistakes constantly being thrown in my face. I was scared of the inner turmoil I would go through each time I knew I had to grovel and beg for forgiveness for things I knew weren’t my fault but if I didn’t make them right then I knew that I would continue to suffer. It just seemed easier to ignore my feelings and opinions and make “peace” rather than continue the fight and risk even more belittling and shame. The fear was always there and apparently it still is.

The fear of what would be said or done if I ever mentioned anything negative about my marriage kept my mouth shut for years. I no longer want that life. I want to speak up and speak out in hopes it can help someone else. Let me tell you though, writing this scares the crap out of me! I was told that I wasn’t allowed to write anything about my marriage or I would be sued for defamation of character. With past blog posts I was told I would be hearing from a lawyer. I am scared.

However, my goal isn’t and never has been to defame anyone but has always been to bring attention to and shed light on emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is so hard to deal with because its so difficult to prove and the abused often look like the crazy ones and never get the help or support they need. I want to help others be able to recognize if they are in an emotionally abusive relationship. Now that I am going through it, I want to help people who are in or have been in an emotionally abusive relationship recover from it and help them find the support that is so needed during the recovery process, especially just after getting out of the relationship.

I don’t know how much truth there is to it, I need to do more research, but I have heard that recovering or trying to get out of an emotionally abusive relationship can be tougher than getting out of a physically abusive relationship. The reasoning behind that is there is usually no evidence to support ones claim to emotional abuse where as in a physically abusive relationship there is often proof to support the claims.

Learning to deal with, overcome, and heal from this experience has been and still is very difficult. The fears are still there and are so real. But now that I know and have recognized a HUGE issue in my life that I think has halted my progress, I can start to work towards healing that part of my life. It also helps to say it out loud, it doesn’t seem like such a scary ghost anymore being able to speak it out loud. I am scared.

Overcoming My Past

The first few times someone mentioned to me that I was possibly in an emotionally abusive relationship, I laughed and completely disregarded what they said and moved on. After it was said I remember thinking that was NOT what was happening in my life and it was just something wrong with me, there was something more I could be doing in the relationships I was in to make things better.

It wasn’t until spring of 2017 when I read an article about emotional abuse that I was completely floored. A friend on Facebook had posted a quick article about it but it wasn’t worded as “emotional abuse”. It had a different title that very much interested me at the time and I frankly can’t remember what the name of the article was. However, after reading, I was stunned, paralyzed, and numb. What I read, in my opinion, was exactly what I had been dealing for a good majority of my life, in multiple different types of relationships. I felt like a ton of bricks had been dropped on me, I couldn’t believe it.

I started doing more research on the topic thinking that still couldn’t possibly be the case but the more I read and the more research I did, the more I realized I had absolutely no idea what emotional abuse was. One of the main reasons I didn’t know what it was, was because I had been living like that most of my life and I didn’t even know there wasn’t people like that. I seemed to gravitate towards those type of people because that’s what I knew and that was were I was comfortable. I knew how to deal with, tolerate, and accept it so I stuck with what I knew even though it wasn’t good.

As much as it hurt to read that article and do all of that research, it was so absolutely freeing at the same time. Having the information, knowing what was going on in my life, knowing why I felt the way I did and that I really wasn’t crazy was a very liberating moment. I had actually started to believe that there was something wrong with me and that I was crazy and that I needed to be on medication. I had actually been told a few times by certain individuals, that I believe were emotionally abusive, that I needed to be on medication. I had started to believe it and was thinking maybe they were right. Turns out that is one of the things the emotionally abusive people do, they distort reality and manipulate you into questioning your own sanity. This is also known as gaslighting.

Anyway, that is a topic for another blog post!

The point is that I felt free and like I had actually taken control of my life for the first time. After about two weeks of letting the shock wear off, I started to feel really good and like there was still hope for me and my life. I wasn’t trapped or stuck, I didn’t have to keep living that way, there was a way out, change was possible. I now knew what was going on and now I could start moving forward from there. At the time though, I had no idea how rough the road would be to change. I figured that now I knew, now I could move on, I had no idea how much damage had been done and how much healing I needed to do.

I went through such a rough patch all last summer, I went off the deep end as people like to put it. I went into a really dark place, a place I never thought I’d go, yet I ended up there. During those three to four months, I kept wondering how I could go from such a strong, bright, and mostly happy place, a place of positivity and hope to such a dark, sad, and lonely place with no hope for a happy future. It has taken me up until about a month ago to really pinpoint and realize what happened.

The best way I can describe it is that it was like someone who was addicted to some sort of substance quit cold turkey and they just lost their mind during the detox. I had been in such a place that I had to live every minute of my life worrying about the outcome of everything I did or said and that switched to not having to worry about that at all. I was coming down off a high that had been there for most of my life and I didn’t know what to do with myself once that drug was gone. I just lost it. I didn’t know who to trust, who to talk to, or what to do.

I had made my life and built my walls and coping mechanisms around the types of relationships I kept finding myself in. My strength and endurance came from learning how to hold up those walls and my happiness and will to push on came from building those coping mechanisms. I had learned how to balance everything and it was working. Once I realized there wasn’t anyone on the other side of that wall, and I didn’t have to use my coping mechanisms anymore, it threw my entire life off balance.

I hadn’t realized there was a life without walls, I hadn’t realized that you didn’t need to build so many different ways of doing things just get through life. There really is a different way to live and thankfully its not surrounded by walls to help avoid continually getting hurt. Do you still get hurt through life, ABSOLUTELY! But it’s different when you have someone to lean on and help you rather than hurt you more when you try to lean on them.

In October I finally decided I needed to pull myself out of this funky dark hole I had created for myself. I had no idea how to even go about starting that process. I met James about three days after I had decided to make this change in my life and I can not tell you how truly blessed I am that I found this man when I did. He has helped, pulled, and carried me through so much in the last seven months. I truly thank my Heavenly Father everyday for this man.

Please don’t get me wrong, I didn’t change for him, or because he came into my life, I did it for myself. He happens to be a huge strength, support, and encouragement while I work towards my goals. One of the things I have noticed along my journey to bettering myself and as my relationship with James grows, is just how damaged I am from past relationships. Yes, I had let down a lot of my walls and learned a lot about the type of people I need to avoid having in my life, but there are some really deep wounds still there that I need to work through.

I never imagined and it took me months to realize just how much damage had been done over the years and just how many different things I did, how many ways of coping I had learned that I no longer need. The things I say, the things I do, how I act and react to certain situations, I never realized how unhealthy those things were for a relationship until I subconsciously started doing them out of survival habit. I had learned to do things a certain way because in past relationships not doing things those certain ways always resulted in something negative, and often times emotionally painful.

These changes are hard and I am still learning of different ways I have been hurt that I didn’t even realize. I am still learning that not all of my walls are down, I still hold a few up very firmly. Trying to trust again is so difficult and causes some issues in my very new marriage. Thankfully, I have a very patient, kind, loving, and forgiving man for a husband. I am getting better, I am actively working on becoming a better person and overcoming the habits and fears I have developed in my past. I read a lot of books, do a lot of research, a lot of self-evaluation, I pray a lot, and read my scriptures every day to keep moving forward towards becoming the best person I can be.

I want to change, I want to be a better person, I want to move on. I do not want to be identified as a victim all my life and play the sympathy card. I want to be amazing and happy. I want to do so much with my life and I am not going to let my past keep me down, I am better than that.

My Old Married Life - Marriage within the LDS church

                I posted my first blog yesterday about my marriage and I first off have to say thank you for all the support I have gotten about opening up about my marriage. It’s never easy sharing about all the crap that goes on in your life. You never know how people will take it or the comments people will make or how people will take what you say and turn it in to something else. With that said I have had a couple questions regarding my comment about marriage in the LDS church. Before I dive into my other experiences, I need shed some light on that comment.

                Let me start by saying that I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I am proud to be a member and I love this gospel and the doctrine of this church. I know that the things my church believes are true. I in no way disagree with the gospel and the doctrine of the LDS church. With that said I will continue.

                As I said above, I believe in the teachings of the LDS church. However, the culture and the way things are sometimes taught within the church can make it difficult to find clarity and understanding and even acceptance within the church. In my case, it was divorce. I have had people ask me two specific questions. The first one is, why did you stay in the marriage so long if it was that bad, and two, was it your church that made you stay.

                To give some context to my answer for these questions, here is what we believe about marriage: We believe that a man and woman are married or sealed together for eternity in our temples. We believe that you can be together for more than just this life, that you and your spouse and your children can all be together forever. This is something I very much want, but I discovered over the years that it was NOT at all what I wanted with the man I was married to before.

To answer question number TWO first, the answer is no. My church, the LDS church did not make me stay. There is nothing that says you can’t get divorced, there are no hard cut or weird rules in an LDS marriage. It’s pretty much the same as other religions except a lot of LDS couples are married in the LDS temples. Now to answer question number ONE. I stayed because of the culture of the church and what I thought others in the church would think of me and how others in the church would treat me if and when I left my husband.

                Like I mentioned before, there isn’t anything in the church that says you can’t get a divorce, however, it is discouraged. I once heard a bishop say that if there was ever physical or sexual abuse going on in the family than you need to get out of there as quickly as you can. That I totally agree with, no one should have to live like that. My problem was that when emotional or mental abuse was the issue, they encouraged you to stick through it, go to counseling, and try to keep your marriage together.

                Don’t get me wrong, I fully believe in counseling and trying to keep your marriage together, I tried for almost 12 years. But there is a point where you just can’t stay anymore and I was quickly hitting that point. Between the culture of the church, in my opinion, frowning upon couples who get divorced and from my experience so far with bishops not recognizing emotional or mental abuse as a legitimate form of abuse, I was very reluctant to leave my marriage.

                In church I heard a lot of if you pray more, have more faith, live a righteous life than everything will work out okay. I heard people say that if you are going through struggles than having more faith and trusting in the Lord will help you get through it and things will be okay. So, what did I do? For the longest time I prayed and had faith that things would all work out and that in the end, my marriage would be okay and I would magically be in love with my husband again.

                My understanding of the things that were being said by those at church was that if I just had more faith than I could save my marriage and make it work and I wouldn’t have to get a divorce. Also, the church discourages divorce unless there is physical or sexual abuse in the home. And then lastly, I didn’t want everyone at church to hate me or look down on my because I chose to leave my husband. Those are some of the reasons I stayed as long as I did. They are not the only reasons, but those are the reasons that have to do with the church.

                That is what I mean when I say “marriage within the LDS church”. I hope that makes more sense to those that were confused. I am sure that there will be more on this topic sprinkled into other posts and I hope this will give you a reference point and some extra insight into the things I may say.

                To recap what I have said, I believe in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day saints. I believe in the teachings and I think those teachings are pure and truly come from a loving Heavenly Father who only wants to help us succeed. Sometimes though, the teachings are taught imperfectly simply because they are taught by humans and we all know that no one is perfect. What the LDS church is at its core is beautiful and wonderful but can on occasion look skewed because we aren’t perfect and we say or word things differently or incorrectly and our own personal opinions trickle in and start to take on somewhat of a new meaning.

                Because the opinions of others seem to take on a form of truth at church or someone lets their personal view of something affect how they treat me, it has made it very difficult at times to remember that those things are NOT the actual beliefs of the LDS church. I have been angry, sad, and frustrated but that is all due to the culture within the LDS church at times and in certain places, not because of the church itself.  

                If you have any other questions, please post them below or send me a message, I am happy to answer them the best that I can. 

My Old Married Life

               I just got remarried and I can’t help but wonder how many people think I am nuts, or going through a midlife crisis, or just think I have gone off the deep end. I can assure you that I am not nuts, I am not going through a midlife crisis, and I have not completely lost it. It has taken me almost a year to gain the courage to write or blog about the last 13 years of my life. I haven’t talked to very many people about my first marriage, I tried very hard to never post on social media about my marital problems because that just isn’t the place for that. However, now that I have started educating myself and realized what was going on, I feel like I need to share about it.

                I didn’t just one day decide to walk away from 11.5 years of marriage, there was a lot leading up to it. Writing about the experiences in life is a great way to gain perspective, to learn, and to help heal from the pain of events that have happened. And this is also a way to bring more attention to certain issues that I feel are swept under the rug or thought to not really be issues or concerns. Over the next little while I will be writing about my experiences during my marriage and what led up to my final decision to leave the marriage.

                My marriage wasn’t good and I am finally ready to start sharing about my experience in hopes that it can help someone else. Emotional abuse, pornography addiction, manipulation, marriage within the LDS church, all of these are things that I will be writing about. Some people may think that whatever happened in a marriage that is no more, isn’t something that should be shared. My personal opinion is that if something I went through can help someone else, I definitely want to share about it.

                So here it goes I guess! More posts to come!

Maskcara Contouring System Review

Alright y'all! Here it is! My Maskcara makeup review! Sorry it took me a bit to put it up but I wanted to use it and wear it a few times before writing up what I thought. 

This is my honest opinion of this makeup brand. If you don't like it, too bad 😆. 

To start, I was EXTREMELY excited to try this new foundation/contouring makeup. It looked to cover well and looked quick and relatively easy. Also the price for the makeup was pretty dang good! 

With this you get a basic foundation color, bronzer color, blush color, and a highlight color. Total cost before taxes, $48. That is on point with other higher end foundations ONLY. I also bought a brush, which I will go into more detail on later. 

I have been wanting a full coverage makeup since my old foundation ran out a few months back. I've tried your typical drugstore brands and found one I sort of like and I even tried Younique which I ended up returning the foundation but keeping the contouring pallet (if you want my thoughts on that I'd be happy to share 😊). When I saw Maskcara, I thought, DANG, that looks cool and quick and easy AND it looks like it will give me the coverage I want. 

When I received the package I was so happy! I opened it with a quickness to get it all set up and put together. When I pulled out the compact, I was a little disappointed. From the pictures, the compact looked marbled and like it would be a nice heavy plastic or metal. Upon pulling it out of the box I discover that it was cardboard, very light cardboard. I thought wow, going cheap on the packaging. 

HOWEVER, after thinking about it a little more and seeing all the other compacts I have, I don't think it being a light cardboard is such a bad thing! I'm going to get a little sciencey for a minute (yes I know thats not a word). The cardboard compact is much lighter than a plastic or metal one, therefore it will fall slower when you drop it, and if you're like me, you'll drop it. Also, the cardboard will absorb more of the impact than a plastic or metal one would. Between those two facts, it protects the makeup inside much better from crashing to the ground when it slips out of your hand or you knock it off the counter. Just my random thoughts, but having broken a number of hard plastic and heavy compacts, I think the lighter, cardboard, "cheap" compact might just be better. I'll let you know when I drop it, LOL. 

Now, for the application! The how to video was very easy to follow and made a lot of sense. It took me a little longer to apply the first since I was learning how to do it but I have since gotten it down a little better and it goes faster now. I haven't actually timed it but it is quicker for me. 

This pic is the before and after of just the Maskcara makeup. The main post pic is the before and after with my brows and eyes done as well.

The makeup went on really smooth and blended very nicely! I was really worried about putting on four different colors and not having them blend well and it taking forever. It really didn't. It went pretty quick. I actually stopped and thought, what am I doing wrong, that was too easy and too quick. I was done with my foundation and I was just looking down at the counter wondering what I needed to do next. 

Here is the pic of all the makeup and things I used before to achieve this same look (this doesn't include any eye makeup).

And then a pic of what I used when applying the Maskcara makeup. I was able to eliminate a lot of stuff and a lot of time. (I have since added the Mary Kay mineral powder & brush to this list)

On the first application I used just the one brush as shown in the picture with the Maskcara product which is the 30 Sec HAC brush from Maskcara. I would definitely recommend using another brush as well. The brush is nice and pretty soft but not the softest brush I've ever felt. I paid $31 for this brush. Since I am being honest here, I could find a brush at Walmart that could do that same thing. Yes it is double sided so its like paying $15 per brush which I guess isn't horrible, but I also got a discount on the brush. 

I used the fat end of the brush to apply my bronzer color and the skinny narrow end to apply the foundation color. It seemed somewhat difficult to get the right amount of bronzer color onto the fat end of the brush, it took a few times before I got the desired amount on the brush. The brush didn't blend anything very well at all so I had to use my sponge to blend it all. I ended up grabbing an inexpensive one from Walmart that blends everything together VERY well. I grabbed an e.l.f. Ultimate Blending Brush and I love it. It sheds a bit but for $6, I can't complain. I actually use that blender brush over the pink squishy sponge blender. I only use the pink one when blending my highlight color. 

When applying the blush color I just use my finger and dab a VERY small amount on and blend with my blender brush. And when I say very little, I mean a very little amount. That blush will last me FOREVER! I also apply the highlight color with my finger and lightly blend with the sponge blender. It too, will last forever! 

One thing I noticed after I applied the foundation and started on my brows and eyes was that my brows were WAY easier to do! I was using so much product before and it was getting in my brows and when I would apply the eyebrow pencil, it would clump and gunk and I would have to brush my brows to make sure I got all the clumpy makeup out. Gross, I know. Using this new makeup, it went on SOOOO smooth! It was the fastest I had ever done my brows! I love it! 

Now for the bad part. This makeup does not dry to a powder finish. It stays a tacky sticky consistency on your face. And I mean sticky like my hair seriously stuck to my face. And the brush that I love so much that sheds, its sticks to my face super bad. This makes it hard to apply eye liner when your finger holding the corner of your eye up keeps slipping. Also, the liner seems to smear and smudge MUCH easier after getting any amount of this makeup on your eyes. It also rubs off on your hands very easily if and when you touch your face for any reason with any amount of pressure. It just feels oily and sticky. It comes off and rubs off on everything. I had to treat the shirt I was wearing in the before and after pic because it got makeup all over the white collar. I haven't had that problem before so I didn't like that. 

One plus to the the consistency of the makeup is that its much easier to fix any mistakes while doing your brows or eyes. 

There is a setting spray and or powder you can buy from Maskcara, I have not purchased this. I decided to use the Mary Kay mineral powder that I already have. The first time I used it, it was a very light application. My face still felt sticky and it was still hard to work with my eyeliner. The next couple times I've had to use a thicker application of the powder to keep my face from feeling like the sticky side of a sticky note. Even with this thicker application it still feels slightly tacky but it's manageable and doesn't seem to rub off when the wind blows on my face. 

Overall, the Maskcara brand foundation/contouring system covers very well, it just leaves my face feeling sticky. It's not heavy or thick, just sticky. Thats my one and only complaint. At this point, I like it and won't return it, but I am not sure that I will be buying it again. We'll see if I find a better foundation or a better setting powder or spray. 

That's it folks! I hope that was clear enough and to the point that it gives you a good idea of what this makeup is like. Let me know if you have any questions, thoughts, concerns, or ideas! 

Thanks for reading :) 

Why Do I Do This To Myself?

Today is a rough day for me. My body is crazy sore and tired from pushing through some hard workouts this week. But I'm also feeling bad emotionally. I've just been hating on myself SOOO bad this entire week.


I hate the way I look, I hate who I am as a person, I hate what I've done or I should say what I haven't done with my life, just everything about myself I've been hating. I know it's not typically acceptable to bash yourself on social media but I do have a point.


Deep down I know these things aren't true. I am not ugly, I am not a bad person, I have done important things with my life. I know I'm not the only one that feels like this sometimes and I don't always feel like this anymore. I used to feel like this everyday and it's draining and exhausting to beat yourself up.


Even though I'm having a hard time now, I'm taking comfort in the fact that I know how to pull myself out of this funk now. I know that I won't and don't always have to feel this way.


Over the last year I've really learned to look at the positive, think positively, and know that there is a point to the things that happen in life. God isn't just out to get us and making life as miserable as possible. It's actually the opposite. He is pushing us to be better, to be smarter, more loving, and even more kind, even if it's just to ourselves.


There is a point to all the miserable in life, we just need to stop, take a breath and realize that life isn't out to get us, it's out to make us better and stronger.


So here is some advice that I need to take as well, stop thinking about yourself. Go out and do something, help someone, go be a friend, go be a mom or dad. Do something for or with someone else, lift someone else's day and it will also brighten your day.

Today I am focusing on being a good mom, on loving my kiddos and being there for them. I got to spend some one on one time with my baby while I was at Ethan's soccer game cheering him on and after that game we went and watched and cheered on Pierce at his soccer game. These kiddos are the most important thing I've done with my life and I need to take a minute and realize that they need me, they look up to me, and they are going to copy what I do. That means that I need to live the best life I can and set the best example I can for them.

I noticed that while I was full time mom-ing this morning, (meaning I was not on my phone or distracted with other things) I wasn't thinking about myself or how much I hate myself or my life. I was just thinking about them and doing all I could to be loving and kind and have fun with them. It really helped me feel better.

Another lesson to add to my list, be more selfless and life doesn't seem so hard and daunting.

Bose Soundsport Headphones

I have been running for about a year now and I LOVE having music playing while I run. It relaxes me and gets me out of any funk I seem to be in at the time. When I started running I was really excited because I had a really nice pair of Klipsch headphones that were actually comfortable. I have the hardest time finding ear buds that don't hurt my ear. The sound in the them was amazing too. My only complaint, the wire running down the front or back of me and having to hide it or tuck it or just let it bounce around as I ran. It was time to start researching wireless headphones. 

I found two that interested me, the Beats and the Bose headphones. After reading other reviews I decided to try out the Bose headphones. I went down to the outlet mall in Smithfield and went to the Bose store and tried out the headphones. I am sure I looked RIDICULOUS while I was in there. I wanted to see if they could really stay in my ears while I ran 3-6 miles. 

First off it took me a minute to figure out how to put them on, LOL. It took me forever to find the little L and R on the buds to figure out which way to turn them. And then I had to figure out how exactly they were supposed to situate in the ear with that little elf ear thing sticking out. By the way the sales lady just stood there the entire time and watched from a distance, she didn't say one word! And then there was the cord connecting the two ear buds and my first thought was I thought these were wireless..... After about 2-3 minutes trying to figure out how the heck to get these things on, I was skeptical that they would actually stay in my ears.

Before I tested that part out I played some music on them to make sure they even sounded good. They sounded great! So let the jumping begin! I started shaking my head around like a crazy person, the ear buds didn't budge. Then I started jumping around and running back and forth in the corner of the store. I am sure I was very entertaining, LOL. But dang it, if I am going to spend that much on headphones, I want to make sure they are what I want. They passed the test though, they did not fall our or even start to. They stayed tightly in place even through all my crazy spazzy-ness. 

I had decided that I liked them and that I did for sure want these ones. Now I just had to overcome the price. Eek!! I will share with you that these headphones are $149.99. I wasn't quite sure how willing I was to pay for them. I knew that I liked my current ones and they worked fine for the moment but the cord has a short and it is starting to get worse. I was going to need a new pair soon and I knew that I wanted to get wireless ones so I just went a head and bought them. If I really hated them, I could just take them back. 

Now, finally to the actual review, haha, sorry y'all, I'm long winded.

You have the choice of three colors, this teal/blue color that I picked, black or a gray/white color with lime green accents. The package was very easy to open and the medium buds were already in place and it comes with a smaller and larger set as well. There is also a case to store the headphone and additional earbuds in. It also came charged which I LOVE. I didn't have to charge it first before I could use it. It paired very easily with my phone, my Apple Watch however, thats another story but it wasn't the headphones fault, that was all the Apple Watch. 

Again, I love the sound. It's clear and crisp and plays the highs and lows like I like. If you know the brand name Klipsch, you know that I really care about sound quality. Klipsch has great sound and I really loved my old headphones but it was time for an upgrade, I was just afraid I wouldn't find the sound quality I was looking for. These Bose ones sound really good, I am very impressed. 

Once I finally got them paired with my Apple Watch, I went out for a run. It had just started raining and the wind was picking up so it was only about a 10 minute run but it was enough to test them out. Now that I know how to put them on, they are very easy to put on. They are very light. They actually feel, to me, a little lose or unsure, like they will fall out or come loose but they never did. Durning the 10 minutes I didn't need to push them back in or adjust them at all. I did out of habit because I always had to with my old headphones but after I got my hand up there I wasn't even sure what I was trying to do or adjust, they were just fine. 

The volume up and down button is on the cord that wraps around the back of your neck on the right hand side. It's very easy to find while running and use. I hate the tiny volume controls where you accidentally hit the wrong one or its so easy hit opposite of what you want. This one is big enough that you know which one you are hitting but not so big that it's annoying, heavy or in the way. 

These wear very easy and they are super light, I forget I have them on. And they are comfortable, I can wear them for an hour without them hurting my ear. Ear buds very easily hurt my ears so that is huge for me. The sound is great and they don't fall out while running. So far I have no complaints about the Bose Soundsport headphones. And the fact that they have a cord or wire connecting the two earbuds, I actually really love as mom who has toddlers because if one of my kids decides to sneak off with them, I will only have to look for one thing and not both pieces. That's just my mom opinion though LOL. 

That is my review! If I missed anything or you have anymore questions for me, let me know!!

If you like these and want to check them out or buy them the link is below!

Meanest Mom Award Goes To.....

Meanest mom award goes to......ME!!!

Yup, I get the mean mom award. I canceled Ethan's birthday party. I did it last year to Kiersten and I threatened Ethan with it this year and I don't think he really thought I would do it again. But I did.

I have been trying to get Ethan to clean his room for two months, yes I typed that correctly, TWO MONTHS! Y'all might have judgements for that one alone, but oh well! Story for another time.

ANYWAY..........

He has refused to clean it. He will pick up dirty clothes and thats about it. He just sits in there and plays Lego's or he reads. I LOVE that he loves to read but his room desperately needs cleaning! When you can't get into the bedroom, or can hardly open the door, you know its bad! Him and Pierce share a room so I have Pierce go in and pick his toys and for a four year old (as of today), he does a pretty good job. Ethan just won't do it, he will not clean up any of his stuff.

I try making games of it, I try helping him, I will ask him to only do small sections each day rather than the entire room. I bribe him! I offer computer time, friends, ice cream, even toys and money when I am desperate and still nothing.

I told him Friday evening that he had an hour to get his room clean or I was going to cancel his party. That freaked him out and he actually really started cleaning. He didn't finish but he had made good progress so I was willing to let him continue on Saturday. Come Saturday morning he was refusing to clean his room again and every time I went to check on him he was playing or reading or just laying on his bed. I sat down and had a serious talk with him about canceling his party and cake if he didn't get his room cleaned up. He was upset and mad at me after this talk but he went, crying, back to his room to clean.

Right after he walks into his room I hear this "smack" and Pierce starts screaming. Pierce was just sitting on his bed minding his own business playing with his Mickey Mouse stuffed animal and Ethan walked in and thought it was a good idea to slap him in the head for NO reason.

Party canceled! I can deal and compromise with a messy room, but smacking your baby brother for no reason at all not cool dude!

I understand that kids, especially siblings, fight and will hit, I am not ignorant to that, I have four brothers, I know how to throw a punch myself. I am all for defending yourself IF NEED BE, but I always advocate using and exhausting non violent methods to resolve problems and issues first. I try very hard to teach my kids that hitting is bad and that you just don't do it. I have given many a time out and grounding for hitting, even if they were provoked. I am understanding that siblings can really get under your skin and make you want to punch them in the face, trust me, I know! Sometimes you lose it, I get it. But this time, there was NO reason what so ever for him to do it. I was so shocked that he would just walk in there and slap him. I didn't even know what to say except party canceled. That was it and I walked out of the bedroom.

I can handle messes and a dirty house and I am usually very forgiving on my threats when it comes to those things, (I know, I am weak). However, when it comes to disrespect of me, their dad, or their siblings, I have no tolerance. Thats why Kiersten lost her birthday party last summer. She threw a fit about the "boring" party I was going to throw her because I wouldn't do one thing she wanted. That was it, I chucked the invitations I was filling out on the floor and said you're done, party canceled.

Messes is kind of a mom thing, we clean up most of them and we need to teach our kids how to be responsible for their messes and help them learn the best way for them to get their chores and messes taken care of. The threats I throw out are usually out of desperation because I am trying to do and juggle eight million other things at the time and I don't have the time right then to stop and help them (that's right, I am not a perfect mom!). Most of the time I come around and realize it was a bit much to ask of them and they need a little help or guidance in getting the job done. Once I take the time to give them that, things go a little smoother.

When it comes to disrespect, I have a zero tolerance policy on that. One strike, you're out! That is also my job, to teach my children to respect and be tolerant of others, even if they think someone doesn't deserve it. I usually feel guilty when I say you can't have this until this chore is done, but as soon as the disrespect comes into play, all that guilt is gone and this momma says oh heck no!

So yes, I am the meanest mom for teaching my kid a lesson, unfortunately a hard one, and canceling his birthday party. I know moms all have their different opinions and ideas on how to teach and raise their children and one of my opinions is that I am their mom, their teacher, a guide, help, and comfort, not their friend. I am not there to look the other way, laugh it off, or just say thats just who they are, they will grow out of it. I am here to teach these little ones how to survive in the real world being the best person they can be. Once they are adults, we can be friends. Until then, what I say goes, it may suck, but that's how its gonna work in this house.

Is my opinion always right, is how I parent always the right way, are all the choices I make always right? Nope, I am 100% sure of that. You know what though, I am doing the best I know how. I am teaching and loving my children the very best way I know how and I try to follow my gut and go with those instincts and they seem to lead me in a pretty good direction. I pray for my children everyday, and I pray even harder for myself, to know how to raise my children and do and say what will help each child learn and grow and help them become the best adults they can be under my guidance.

As a mom I try very hard to teach my kiddos and help them learn, I don't do things just to be mean and I certainly didn't cancel his party just to be mean, I actually feel kind of bad that he doesn't get a party, but I don't feel guilty for it. I love my children with all my heart and would do anything I could to help them. In this case I thought he needed to learn a lesson in actions and consequences so poor dude doesn't get his Star Wars party. Maybe next year bud!

I Quit My Cleanse

A little over a week ago I posted about starting the 21 Day Ultimate Reset cleanse from BeachBody. I was really excited and very hopeful that this would kickstart my weight loss again since I've hit a bit of a plateau the last few months. I read through all the information and the recipes and shopping list and got all set to go and I started last Thursday. Day one wasn't too bad. The power greens you have to drink everyday weren't even horrible. Day two was harder, and by day three, I was almost throwing up every time I drank the power greens.

I had heard from others and read others stories about how amazing the reset is and how good you feel afterwards and you can lose a lot of weight and that overall the three weeks was hard, but manageable. You don't starve yourself, which was a huge concern of mine. You eat three full meals and a snack durning the day. You just cut out all sugar and go vegan which sucked for me, but I wasn't going to starve.

The first day of food wasn't too bad. Was it amazing, no but it was okay. Dinner was pretty good. My husband made me salmon and I really loved it! I have tried salmon SOOOO many times in my life and always hated it. I grew up in the Pacific Northwest, of course I've had salmon! It was good that night though, and I actually want to eat it again. The second day was harder, I just didn't want the food. It wasn't that it was bad or tasted nasty, I just didn't want it. It wasn't what I felt like eating. That made sticking to the meal plan very difficult.

By day four (sorry for the TMI), I was realizing that I was feeling really sick, like having to stay close to the bathroom sick all day, everyday. I had stomach cramps and felt bloated and gross all day and night. I had no energy and felt tired and lazy all day. It was actually kind of depressing waking up and having no energy.

At day six, I was HATING this cleanse and I was so over it and couldn't believe that I had two more weeks of this. I still tried pushing through and doing my best to finish it out. I finished day seven and started on day eight where they add in the detox supplement. The flavor wasn't bad, very lemony, but the texture was AWFUL! And after drinking the second one for the day and choking down my power greens yet again, I was just angry and wanted to punch someone. If I had to choke down anymore crap, I was going to lose my freaking mind! By the end of day 8, I had decided that I was quitting the 21 Day Ultimate Reset and I was going to send it back and get my money back.

Some, or all of you, may be thinking, what a loser, she just quit! She wouldn't even stick it out to see if it was worth it in the end. Before you stop reading, let me explain myself a little.

Yep, I did quit and I will tell you why. Reason number one, it made me feel sick! I was in the bathroom all day long! It said it wasn't supposed to do that, yet there I was. I had stomach cramps all day which is very uncomfortable. Also, it completely drained me of all my energy, all my get up and go. It did say you would have less energy and feel tired, okay, got it. But I couldn't even think, I didn't want to do anything but lay around. I am a mom of four kids! I don't have that luxury! I have heard so many times to listen to your body, it will tell you what you need, or in the this case what I didn't need. I for sure didn't need to feel sick all day for three weeks just so I could try and drop 15-20 lbs. My weight is important to me, but not that important.

I was tired of feeling gross and not being able to leave the house for more than 20 minutes because I would need a bathroom. I was tired of being bloated all day, everyday and my clothes not fitting me right. I was sick of being in pain, knowing that I was going to drink or take a supplement and it was going to cause me pain and discomfort, I wasn't down for that anymore.

Reason number two. I like to exercise, I like to workout and get a good sweat on and get my heart rate up. I like to go run three to four times a week for at least a half hour. Or I like to kick-butt with Core De Force which is anywhere from 30 minutes to 47 minutes of intense work that gets your heart rate up and makes you sweat like crazy! Well you aren't supposed to workout while doing this cleanse. I take that back, you can do yoga, or something very calm and mild, but nothing hard and intense. I like working out now, I enjoy it, for the most part. Some days I don't want to, but overall, I like it, I like getting my heart rate up and sweating. It makes me feel really good afterwards and it usually makes my day better. And here I was being told that I shouldn't do this thing that helps me feel better. That wasn't sitting right with me. If I want to workout, I should be able to workout as much or as little and as intense as I want. By day three I couldn't sit around anymore so I started working out which I was told wasn't good. How is working out a bad thing???

Reason number three. I hate being told what to do, or not to do. That seems selfish and petty, I know! I will fully admit how lame of an excuse that is. However, everyone's minds work in a different way because of how they were born or the experiences they have gone through in their lives. My brain gets pissed when I have very strict rules to follow and it makes me want to do the opposite, or nothing at all. So in this case, it was telling me to eat these certain recipes. Sounds fine, right? Nope, not for me. It wasn't food I would normally eat, not that it was bad or tasted bad, I just didn't want it. It was not what I was feeling in the moment. Maybe that is a lack of discipline, I don't know, but it was making me want to not only not eat the food, but it was making me want to only eat ice cream, cookies, cake, and candy. The funny part about that was that I wasn't craving any of that stuff before I started the diet! Yes, I wanted to sometimes, but I could deal with not having it or I could find a healthy alternative. With this diet/cleanse, there was no alternative. You just don't get anything and you have to deal with it. I hated that feeling!

I felt like I wasn't in control of anything. I went from being out of control with my diet and getting fat, to managing my diet pretty well, then down to you can ONLY eat these certain extremely healthy and vegan (I am not, and never can or will be vegan, I just don't get it and I don't care to!) meals. I had once again lost control over what I was supposed to be eating, except someone else was in charge of telling me what to and not to eat. It felt very counter productive to me. I want to be able to feel like I am in charge of my food, my diet. This meal plan wasn't what I wanted or would normally eat. I want to be able to eat the food I want and adjust or modify it to a healthy option or portion.

Those are my three main reasons for stopping this cleanse. I don't think cleanses or strict drop weight quick diets are for me! If you love them and use them and they work for you, GREAT!!! More power to you! I don't judge you or think anything less of you, in fact I may be a little jealous that I can't wrap my mind around doing one for a short period of time.

I very much hated the way I felt while using the product, both physically, and mentally. It wasn't helping me lose weight, it was hindering me from losing weight and getting healthy. I did a lot of thinking over the last week about my weight loss journey. I have lost 41lbs in the last year and two months. Could I have done it faster, SURE! Do I still have more weight to lose? Yep, probably another 30lbs or so. Do I want it to come off quickly, heck yes! Am I willing to sacrifice how I feel and live my life to do it, yes, but not to extremes. I have worked very hard the last year to figure out what works best for me, how I can best incorporate healthy habits into my life to make it an overall lifestyle change, not just a drop weight super fast so I can look hot by summer thing.

I want to be fit and I want to be healthy and I am and have been doing it, and I was happy, and didn't mind what I was doing for the most part. Making changes in your life, especially like losing weight is hard and will take sacrifices and determination and hard work. Obviously I am doing something right if I have managed to lose 40lbs. I got it into my head that because others are doing it faster, that I was doing it wrong and that if I could just drop 15-20lbs in three weeks, that I would almost be at my goal weight.

I started getting impatient, and greedy, and jealous. I wasn't thinking about all the changes and hard work that I had already put in to get to where I am now. No, the weight isn't just falling off. But guess what, I am not gaining any weight either! If anything I should be thinking how amazing that is that I can lose such a large amount of weight AND keep it off!

I already have the tools, I have already learned how to lose weight and get healthy. I worked for a year to get to where I am, I have what I need, I just need to tap back into what is already inside of me and get back to work!

This morning I woke up with energy, and my stomach doesn't hurt today and I don't have to use the bathroom every 20 minutes! I feel great today! My eating has been on point and I haven't been craving junk food! I am eating what I want, which has been healthy food and snacks. I know what I need to lose weight and be healthy and I have a renewed sense of power which feels amazing!

Even though I quit the ultimate reset, it still managed to kick start my weight loss and I am not quitting that! Just because I gave up a cleanse doesn't mean I am giving up on over a years worth of hard work. Yes, I totally had a quarter pounder with cheese and French fries last night from McDonalds. That was my cheat meal after eating power greens and vegan food for a week. I am still going to drink my Shakeology every day because Shakeology has truly helped me with my weight loss and my overall health. I love my shakeo and I will never give that up. I will also not give up my treats once in a while and that fact that I love to bake all the time. Those things are me and I have found a way to be and stay healthy, lose weight, and have all those things still in my life.

I did not fail because I quit the cleanse, I simply found a way that works better for me and works better with my life. I feel really good about my choice and I feel REALLY good that I have found that kick in the butt to get me back to losing the rest of this weight.

Ninja Babies!

Does anyone else have ninja babies? You know, the kind that do things you should have been able to hear, see, smell, or whatever else but you totally didn't catch it and now UH-OH! Well I have a few of those. It can be rather frustrating at times, don't you think?

This happened yesterday. I was working at my desk and I needed to go to the bathroom so I got up and went. Then I decided I would check on the laundry while I was up. I was gone MAYBE five minutes.

When I came back to my desk, I found this underneath. If you can't tell, thats paint on my floor. And my biggest question, how the crap did they get those little things open???!!!! I can't EVER get those things open! I end up breaking them half the time! And these little boogers can get them open and color popsicle sticks and my floor in under five minutes. NINJA!!!!

However, there was no child under my desk when I found this. I went downstairs and both kiddos were sitting like little angels on the couch with their blankets looking like they were going to fall asleep. Neither of them had paint on them......

I don't even know which one did it! They both just looked at me like I was crazy! I am pretty sure it was Pierce because Whitney was already half asleep but still! So I just told them both not to touch or play with paint unless mommy was with them.

Today we used dot paint to make some pictures and I think that helped get their creative side flowing and to get wanting to paint out of their little heads. At least I hope thats what it did, LOL.

When I see stuff like this, I just tell myself that I love my kids and it won't last forever! It won't last forever, right??!!