I posted my first blog yesterday about my marriage and I
first off have to say thank you for all the support I have gotten about opening
up about my marriage. It’s never easy sharing about all the crap that goes on
in your life. You never know how people will take it or the comments people
will make or how people will take what you say and turn it in to something
else. With that said I have had a couple questions regarding my comment about
marriage in the LDS church. Before I dive into my other experiences, I need
shed some light on that comment.
Let me
start by saying that I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day
Saints. I am proud to be a member and I love this gospel and the doctrine of
this church. I know that the things my church believes are true. I in no way
disagree with the gospel and the doctrine of the LDS church. With that said I
will continue.
As I
said above, I believe in the teachings of the LDS church. However, the culture
and the way things are sometimes taught within the church can make it difficult
to find clarity and understanding and even acceptance within the church. In my
case, it was divorce. I have had people ask me two specific questions. The
first one is, why did you stay in the marriage so long if it was that bad, and
two, was it your church that made you stay.
To give
some context to my answer for these questions, here is what we believe about
marriage: We believe that a man and woman are married or sealed together for
eternity in our temples. We believe that you can be together for more than just
this life, that you and your spouse and your children can all be together
forever. This is something I very much want, but I discovered over the years
that it was NOT at all what I wanted with the man I was married to before.
To answer question number TWO
first, the answer is no. My church, the LDS church did not make me stay. There
is nothing that says you can’t get divorced, there are no hard cut or weird
rules in an LDS marriage. It’s pretty much the same as other religions except a
lot of LDS couples are married in the LDS temples. Now to answer question
number ONE. I stayed because of the culture of the church and what I thought
others in the church would think of me and how others in the church would treat
me if and when I left my husband.
Like I
mentioned before, there isn’t anything in the church that says you can’t get a
divorce, however, it is discouraged. I once heard a bishop say that if there
was ever physical or sexual abuse going on in the family than you need to get
out of there as quickly as you can. That I totally agree with, no one should
have to live like that. My problem was that when emotional or mental abuse was
the issue, they encouraged you to stick through it, go to counseling, and try
to keep your marriage together.
Don’t
get me wrong, I fully believe in counseling and trying to keep your marriage
together, I tried for almost 12 years. But there is a point where you just
can’t stay anymore and I was quickly hitting that point. Between the culture of
the church, in my opinion, frowning upon couples who get divorced and from my
experience so far with bishops not recognizing emotional or mental abuse as a
legitimate form of abuse, I was very reluctant to leave my marriage.
In
church I heard a lot of if you pray more, have more faith, live a righteous
life than everything will work out okay. I heard people say that if you are
going through struggles than having more faith and trusting in the Lord will
help you get through it and things will be okay. So, what did I do? For the
longest time I prayed and had faith that things would all work out and that in
the end, my marriage would be okay and I would magically be in love with my
husband again.
My understanding
of the things that were being said by those at church was that if I just had
more faith than I could save my marriage and make it work and I wouldn’t have
to get a divorce. Also, the church discourages divorce unless there is physical
or sexual abuse in the home. And then lastly, I didn’t want everyone at church to
hate me or look down on my because I chose to leave my husband. Those are some
of the reasons I stayed as long as I did. They are not the only reasons, but
those are the reasons that have to do with the church.
That is
what I mean when I say “marriage within the LDS church”. I hope that makes more
sense to those that were confused. I am sure that there will be more on this
topic sprinkled into other posts and I hope this will give you a reference
point and some extra insight into the things I may say.
To
recap what I have said, I believe in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day
saints. I believe in the teachings and I think those teachings are pure and
truly come from a loving Heavenly Father who only wants to help us succeed.
Sometimes though, the teachings are taught imperfectly simply because they are
taught by humans and we all know that no one is perfect. What the LDS church is
at its core is beautiful and wonderful but can on occasion look skewed because
we aren’t perfect and we say or word things differently or incorrectly and our
own personal opinions trickle in and start to take on somewhat of a new
meaning.
Because
the opinions of others seem to take on a form of truth at church or someone
lets their personal view of something affect how they treat me, it has made it
very difficult at times to remember that those things are NOT the actual beliefs
of the LDS church. I have been angry, sad, and frustrated but that is all due
to the culture within the LDS church at times and in certain places, not
because of the church itself.
If you
have any other questions, please post them below or send me a message, I am happy
to answer them the best that I can.
