I am scared

Emotional abuse is no joke. The fear that stems from emotional abuse is something I didn't even realize was a thing. I can't speak for anyone else that has been through emotional abuse but I know for myself I repressed the fear and hid the fear and came up with ways to cope and deal with the fear. It's an all-consuming fear and I didn't realize it until this morning. The energy it takes to hide these fears is overwhelming. I have bouts of strong times where I can push through or push the fear deep down inside and no one knows that I'm dealing with. However, I can only keep that fear buried for a certain amount of time before it becomes so overwhelming and I can't deal with even the smallest and simplest things in life.

It has been a little over a year since I came to the realization that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. I may have mentioned it before but I thought at the time that I had figured out what was going on and why I was actually wanting out of the relationship so leaving would make things all better. Oh, how very wrong was I! That was just the start. The first step to getting better and healing is recognizing there is a problem. Well, I recognized it and I had no clue just how hard the road to recovery would be.

I have taken steps to work on overcoming the coping mechanisms I have formed over the years and I am slowly starting to break down the walls I built over the last 12 years. The next step on this road to recovery for me was realizing how much fear there was in my life. It hit so hard this morning and brought me to tears. I am scared.

Over the years all of these different emotions I had were really me finding ways to deal with and hide the fear that was stirring inside. I had to become very quick witted and extremely defensive just to deal with and get through life. Those were ways of dealing with the fear that I had. When I felt angry or had strong feelings of hate, those were also covering up the real issue, fear.

Some of you may be asking, what were you so afraid of? If you have ever been in an emotionally abusive relationship, you probably already know and these will all seem very familiar to you. What was I afraid of, let me tell you. I was scared of being told yet again that I was wrong, I was scared of being told again that it was my fault. I was scared of how I would be treated for having certain opinions or doing certain things. I was scared of feeling stupid all over again for trivial things. I was scared of being ignored for weeks or months at time by the person that claimed to love me because I didn’t do something the way they thought it should have been done. I was scared of all my past mistakes constantly being thrown in my face. I was scared of the inner turmoil I would go through each time I knew I had to grovel and beg for forgiveness for things I knew weren’t my fault but if I didn’t make them right then I knew that I would continue to suffer. It just seemed easier to ignore my feelings and opinions and make “peace” rather than continue the fight and risk even more belittling and shame. The fear was always there and apparently it still is.

The fear of what would be said or done if I ever mentioned anything negative about my marriage kept my mouth shut for years. I no longer want that life. I want to speak up and speak out in hopes it can help someone else. Let me tell you though, writing this scares the crap out of me! I was told that I wasn’t allowed to write anything about my marriage or I would be sued for defamation of character. With past blog posts I was told I would be hearing from a lawyer. I am scared.

However, my goal isn’t and never has been to defame anyone but has always been to bring attention to and shed light on emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is so hard to deal with because its so difficult to prove and the abused often look like the crazy ones and never get the help or support they need. I want to help others be able to recognize if they are in an emotionally abusive relationship. Now that I am going through it, I want to help people who are in or have been in an emotionally abusive relationship recover from it and help them find the support that is so needed during the recovery process, especially just after getting out of the relationship.

I don’t know how much truth there is to it, I need to do more research, but I have heard that recovering or trying to get out of an emotionally abusive relationship can be tougher than getting out of a physically abusive relationship. The reasoning behind that is there is usually no evidence to support ones claim to emotional abuse where as in a physically abusive relationship there is often proof to support the claims.

Learning to deal with, overcome, and heal from this experience has been and still is very difficult. The fears are still there and are so real. But now that I know and have recognized a HUGE issue in my life that I think has halted my progress, I can start to work towards healing that part of my life. It also helps to say it out loud, it doesn’t seem like such a scary ghost anymore being able to speak it out loud. I am scared.

Overcoming My Past

The first few times someone mentioned to me that I was possibly in an emotionally abusive relationship, I laughed and completely disregarded what they said and moved on. After it was said I remember thinking that was NOT what was happening in my life and it was just something wrong with me, there was something more I could be doing in the relationships I was in to make things better.

It wasn’t until spring of 2017 when I read an article about emotional abuse that I was completely floored. A friend on Facebook had posted a quick article about it but it wasn’t worded as “emotional abuse”. It had a different title that very much interested me at the time and I frankly can’t remember what the name of the article was. However, after reading, I was stunned, paralyzed, and numb. What I read, in my opinion, was exactly what I had been dealing for a good majority of my life, in multiple different types of relationships. I felt like a ton of bricks had been dropped on me, I couldn’t believe it.

I started doing more research on the topic thinking that still couldn’t possibly be the case but the more I read and the more research I did, the more I realized I had absolutely no idea what emotional abuse was. One of the main reasons I didn’t know what it was, was because I had been living like that most of my life and I didn’t even know there wasn’t people like that. I seemed to gravitate towards those type of people because that’s what I knew and that was were I was comfortable. I knew how to deal with, tolerate, and accept it so I stuck with what I knew even though it wasn’t good.

As much as it hurt to read that article and do all of that research, it was so absolutely freeing at the same time. Having the information, knowing what was going on in my life, knowing why I felt the way I did and that I really wasn’t crazy was a very liberating moment. I had actually started to believe that there was something wrong with me and that I was crazy and that I needed to be on medication. I had actually been told a few times by certain individuals, that I believe were emotionally abusive, that I needed to be on medication. I had started to believe it and was thinking maybe they were right. Turns out that is one of the things the emotionally abusive people do, they distort reality and manipulate you into questioning your own sanity. This is also known as gaslighting.

Anyway, that is a topic for another blog post!

The point is that I felt free and like I had actually taken control of my life for the first time. After about two weeks of letting the shock wear off, I started to feel really good and like there was still hope for me and my life. I wasn’t trapped or stuck, I didn’t have to keep living that way, there was a way out, change was possible. I now knew what was going on and now I could start moving forward from there. At the time though, I had no idea how rough the road would be to change. I figured that now I knew, now I could move on, I had no idea how much damage had been done and how much healing I needed to do.

I went through such a rough patch all last summer, I went off the deep end as people like to put it. I went into a really dark place, a place I never thought I’d go, yet I ended up there. During those three to four months, I kept wondering how I could go from such a strong, bright, and mostly happy place, a place of positivity and hope to such a dark, sad, and lonely place with no hope for a happy future. It has taken me up until about a month ago to really pinpoint and realize what happened.

The best way I can describe it is that it was like someone who was addicted to some sort of substance quit cold turkey and they just lost their mind during the detox. I had been in such a place that I had to live every minute of my life worrying about the outcome of everything I did or said and that switched to not having to worry about that at all. I was coming down off a high that had been there for most of my life and I didn’t know what to do with myself once that drug was gone. I just lost it. I didn’t know who to trust, who to talk to, or what to do.

I had made my life and built my walls and coping mechanisms around the types of relationships I kept finding myself in. My strength and endurance came from learning how to hold up those walls and my happiness and will to push on came from building those coping mechanisms. I had learned how to balance everything and it was working. Once I realized there wasn’t anyone on the other side of that wall, and I didn’t have to use my coping mechanisms anymore, it threw my entire life off balance.

I hadn’t realized there was a life without walls, I hadn’t realized that you didn’t need to build so many different ways of doing things just get through life. There really is a different way to live and thankfully its not surrounded by walls to help avoid continually getting hurt. Do you still get hurt through life, ABSOLUTELY! But it’s different when you have someone to lean on and help you rather than hurt you more when you try to lean on them.

In October I finally decided I needed to pull myself out of this funky dark hole I had created for myself. I had no idea how to even go about starting that process. I met James about three days after I had decided to make this change in my life and I can not tell you how truly blessed I am that I found this man when I did. He has helped, pulled, and carried me through so much in the last seven months. I truly thank my Heavenly Father everyday for this man.

Please don’t get me wrong, I didn’t change for him, or because he came into my life, I did it for myself. He happens to be a huge strength, support, and encouragement while I work towards my goals. One of the things I have noticed along my journey to bettering myself and as my relationship with James grows, is just how damaged I am from past relationships. Yes, I had let down a lot of my walls and learned a lot about the type of people I need to avoid having in my life, but there are some really deep wounds still there that I need to work through.

I never imagined and it took me months to realize just how much damage had been done over the years and just how many different things I did, how many ways of coping I had learned that I no longer need. The things I say, the things I do, how I act and react to certain situations, I never realized how unhealthy those things were for a relationship until I subconsciously started doing them out of survival habit. I had learned to do things a certain way because in past relationships not doing things those certain ways always resulted in something negative, and often times emotionally painful.

These changes are hard and I am still learning of different ways I have been hurt that I didn’t even realize. I am still learning that not all of my walls are down, I still hold a few up very firmly. Trying to trust again is so difficult and causes some issues in my very new marriage. Thankfully, I have a very patient, kind, loving, and forgiving man for a husband. I am getting better, I am actively working on becoming a better person and overcoming the habits and fears I have developed in my past. I read a lot of books, do a lot of research, a lot of self-evaluation, I pray a lot, and read my scriptures every day to keep moving forward towards becoming the best person I can be.

I want to change, I want to be a better person, I want to move on. I do not want to be identified as a victim all my life and play the sympathy card. I want to be amazing and happy. I want to do so much with my life and I am not going to let my past keep me down, I am better than that.

My Old Married Life - Marriage within the LDS church

                I posted my first blog yesterday about my marriage and I first off have to say thank you for all the support I have gotten about opening up about my marriage. It’s never easy sharing about all the crap that goes on in your life. You never know how people will take it or the comments people will make or how people will take what you say and turn it in to something else. With that said I have had a couple questions regarding my comment about marriage in the LDS church. Before I dive into my other experiences, I need shed some light on that comment.

                Let me start by saying that I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I am proud to be a member and I love this gospel and the doctrine of this church. I know that the things my church believes are true. I in no way disagree with the gospel and the doctrine of the LDS church. With that said I will continue.

                As I said above, I believe in the teachings of the LDS church. However, the culture and the way things are sometimes taught within the church can make it difficult to find clarity and understanding and even acceptance within the church. In my case, it was divorce. I have had people ask me two specific questions. The first one is, why did you stay in the marriage so long if it was that bad, and two, was it your church that made you stay.

                To give some context to my answer for these questions, here is what we believe about marriage: We believe that a man and woman are married or sealed together for eternity in our temples. We believe that you can be together for more than just this life, that you and your spouse and your children can all be together forever. This is something I very much want, but I discovered over the years that it was NOT at all what I wanted with the man I was married to before.

To answer question number TWO first, the answer is no. My church, the LDS church did not make me stay. There is nothing that says you can’t get divorced, there are no hard cut or weird rules in an LDS marriage. It’s pretty much the same as other religions except a lot of LDS couples are married in the LDS temples. Now to answer question number ONE. I stayed because of the culture of the church and what I thought others in the church would think of me and how others in the church would treat me if and when I left my husband.

                Like I mentioned before, there isn’t anything in the church that says you can’t get a divorce, however, it is discouraged. I once heard a bishop say that if there was ever physical or sexual abuse going on in the family than you need to get out of there as quickly as you can. That I totally agree with, no one should have to live like that. My problem was that when emotional or mental abuse was the issue, they encouraged you to stick through it, go to counseling, and try to keep your marriage together.

                Don’t get me wrong, I fully believe in counseling and trying to keep your marriage together, I tried for almost 12 years. But there is a point where you just can’t stay anymore and I was quickly hitting that point. Between the culture of the church, in my opinion, frowning upon couples who get divorced and from my experience so far with bishops not recognizing emotional or mental abuse as a legitimate form of abuse, I was very reluctant to leave my marriage.

                In church I heard a lot of if you pray more, have more faith, live a righteous life than everything will work out okay. I heard people say that if you are going through struggles than having more faith and trusting in the Lord will help you get through it and things will be okay. So, what did I do? For the longest time I prayed and had faith that things would all work out and that in the end, my marriage would be okay and I would magically be in love with my husband again.

                My understanding of the things that were being said by those at church was that if I just had more faith than I could save my marriage and make it work and I wouldn’t have to get a divorce. Also, the church discourages divorce unless there is physical or sexual abuse in the home. And then lastly, I didn’t want everyone at church to hate me or look down on my because I chose to leave my husband. Those are some of the reasons I stayed as long as I did. They are not the only reasons, but those are the reasons that have to do with the church.

                That is what I mean when I say “marriage within the LDS church”. I hope that makes more sense to those that were confused. I am sure that there will be more on this topic sprinkled into other posts and I hope this will give you a reference point and some extra insight into the things I may say.

                To recap what I have said, I believe in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day saints. I believe in the teachings and I think those teachings are pure and truly come from a loving Heavenly Father who only wants to help us succeed. Sometimes though, the teachings are taught imperfectly simply because they are taught by humans and we all know that no one is perfect. What the LDS church is at its core is beautiful and wonderful but can on occasion look skewed because we aren’t perfect and we say or word things differently or incorrectly and our own personal opinions trickle in and start to take on somewhat of a new meaning.

                Because the opinions of others seem to take on a form of truth at church or someone lets their personal view of something affect how they treat me, it has made it very difficult at times to remember that those things are NOT the actual beliefs of the LDS church. I have been angry, sad, and frustrated but that is all due to the culture within the LDS church at times and in certain places, not because of the church itself.  

                If you have any other questions, please post them below or send me a message, I am happy to answer them the best that I can. 

My Old Married Life

               I just got remarried and I can’t help but wonder how many people think I am nuts, or going through a midlife crisis, or just think I have gone off the deep end. I can assure you that I am not nuts, I am not going through a midlife crisis, and I have not completely lost it. It has taken me almost a year to gain the courage to write or blog about the last 13 years of my life. I haven’t talked to very many people about my first marriage, I tried very hard to never post on social media about my marital problems because that just isn’t the place for that. However, now that I have started educating myself and realized what was going on, I feel like I need to share about it.

                I didn’t just one day decide to walk away from 11.5 years of marriage, there was a lot leading up to it. Writing about the experiences in life is a great way to gain perspective, to learn, and to help heal from the pain of events that have happened. And this is also a way to bring more attention to certain issues that I feel are swept under the rug or thought to not really be issues or concerns. Over the next little while I will be writing about my experiences during my marriage and what led up to my final decision to leave the marriage.

                My marriage wasn’t good and I am finally ready to start sharing about my experience in hopes that it can help someone else. Emotional abuse, pornography addiction, manipulation, marriage within the LDS church, all of these are things that I will be writing about. Some people may think that whatever happened in a marriage that is no more, isn’t something that should be shared. My personal opinion is that if something I went through can help someone else, I definitely want to share about it.

                So here it goes I guess! More posts to come!