Emotional abuse is no joke. The fear that stems from emotional abuse is something I didn't even realize was a thing. I can't speak for anyone else that has been through emotional abuse but I know for myself I repressed the fear and hid the fear and came up with ways to cope and deal with the fear. It's an all-consuming fear and I didn't realize it until this morning. The energy it takes to hide these fears is overwhelming. I have bouts of strong times where I can push through or push the fear deep down inside and no one knows that I'm dealing with. However, I can only keep that fear buried for a certain amount of time before it becomes so overwhelming and I can't deal with even the smallest and simplest things in life.
It
has been a little over a year since I came to the realization that I was in an emotionally
abusive relationship. I may have mentioned it before but I thought at the time
that I had figured out what was going on and why I was actually wanting out of
the relationship so leaving would make things all better. Oh, how very wrong
was I! That was just the start. The first step to getting better and healing is
recognizing there is a problem. Well, I recognized it and I had no clue just
how hard the road to recovery would be.
I
have taken steps to work on overcoming the coping mechanisms I have formed over
the years and I am slowly starting to break down the walls I built over the last
12 years. The next step on this road to recovery for me was realizing how much
fear there was in my life. It hit so hard this morning and brought me to tears.
I am scared.
Over
the years all of these different emotions I had were really me finding ways to
deal with and hide the fear that was stirring inside. I had to become very
quick witted and extremely defensive just to deal with and get through life.
Those were ways of dealing with the fear that I had. When I felt angry or had
strong feelings of hate, those were also covering up the real issue, fear.
Some
of you may be asking, what were you so afraid of? If you have ever been in an
emotionally abusive relationship, you probably already know and these will all
seem very familiar to you. What was I afraid of, let me tell you. I was scared
of being told yet again that I was wrong, I was scared of being told again that
it was my fault. I was scared of how I would be treated for having certain opinions
or doing certain things. I was scared of feeling stupid all over again for
trivial things. I was scared of being ignored for weeks or months at time by
the person that claimed to love me because I didn’t do something the way they
thought it should have been done. I was scared of all my past mistakes constantly
being thrown in my face. I was scared of the inner turmoil I would go through
each time I knew I had to grovel and beg for forgiveness for things I knew weren’t
my fault but if I didn’t make them right then I knew that I would continue to
suffer. It just seemed easier to ignore my feelings and opinions and make “peace”
rather than continue the fight and risk even more belittling and shame. The
fear was always there and apparently it still is.
The
fear of what would be said or done if I ever mentioned anything negative about
my marriage kept my mouth shut for years. I no longer want that life. I want to
speak up and speak out in hopes it can help someone else. Let me tell you
though, writing this scares the crap out of me! I was told that I wasn’t
allowed to write anything about my marriage or I would be sued for defamation
of character. With past blog posts I was told I would be hearing from a lawyer.
I am scared.
However,
my goal isn’t and never has been to defame anyone but has always been to bring
attention to and shed light on emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is so hard to
deal with because its so difficult to prove and the abused often look like the
crazy ones and never get the help or support they need. I want to help others
be able to recognize if they are in an emotionally abusive relationship. Now
that I am going through it, I want to help people who are in or have been in an
emotionally abusive relationship recover from it and help them find the support
that is so needed during the recovery process, especially just after getting
out of the relationship.
I
don’t know how much truth there is to it, I need to do more research, but I
have heard that recovering or trying to get out of an emotionally abusive
relationship can be tougher than getting out of a physically abusive
relationship. The reasoning behind that is there is usually no evidence to
support ones claim to emotional abuse where as in a physically abusive
relationship there is often proof to support the claims.
Learning
to deal with, overcome, and heal from this experience has been and still is
very difficult. The fears are still there and are so real. But now that I know
and have recognized a HUGE issue in my life that I think has halted my progress,
I can start to work towards healing that part of my life. It also helps to say
it out loud, it doesn’t seem like such a scary ghost anymore being able to
speak it out loud. I am scared.
