My Old Married Life - Marriage within the LDS church

                I posted my first blog yesterday about my marriage and I first off have to say thank you for all the support I have gotten about opening up about my marriage. It’s never easy sharing about all the crap that goes on in your life. You never know how people will take it or the comments people will make or how people will take what you say and turn it in to something else. With that said I have had a couple questions regarding my comment about marriage in the LDS church. Before I dive into my other experiences, I need shed some light on that comment.

                Let me start by saying that I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I am proud to be a member and I love this gospel and the doctrine of this church. I know that the things my church believes are true. I in no way disagree with the gospel and the doctrine of the LDS church. With that said I will continue.

                As I said above, I believe in the teachings of the LDS church. However, the culture and the way things are sometimes taught within the church can make it difficult to find clarity and understanding and even acceptance within the church. In my case, it was divorce. I have had people ask me two specific questions. The first one is, why did you stay in the marriage so long if it was that bad, and two, was it your church that made you stay.

                To give some context to my answer for these questions, here is what we believe about marriage: We believe that a man and woman are married or sealed together for eternity in our temples. We believe that you can be together for more than just this life, that you and your spouse and your children can all be together forever. This is something I very much want, but I discovered over the years that it was NOT at all what I wanted with the man I was married to before.

To answer question number TWO first, the answer is no. My church, the LDS church did not make me stay. There is nothing that says you can’t get divorced, there are no hard cut or weird rules in an LDS marriage. It’s pretty much the same as other religions except a lot of LDS couples are married in the LDS temples. Now to answer question number ONE. I stayed because of the culture of the church and what I thought others in the church would think of me and how others in the church would treat me if and when I left my husband.

                Like I mentioned before, there isn’t anything in the church that says you can’t get a divorce, however, it is discouraged. I once heard a bishop say that if there was ever physical or sexual abuse going on in the family than you need to get out of there as quickly as you can. That I totally agree with, no one should have to live like that. My problem was that when emotional or mental abuse was the issue, they encouraged you to stick through it, go to counseling, and try to keep your marriage together.

                Don’t get me wrong, I fully believe in counseling and trying to keep your marriage together, I tried for almost 12 years. But there is a point where you just can’t stay anymore and I was quickly hitting that point. Between the culture of the church, in my opinion, frowning upon couples who get divorced and from my experience so far with bishops not recognizing emotional or mental abuse as a legitimate form of abuse, I was very reluctant to leave my marriage.

                In church I heard a lot of if you pray more, have more faith, live a righteous life than everything will work out okay. I heard people say that if you are going through struggles than having more faith and trusting in the Lord will help you get through it and things will be okay. So, what did I do? For the longest time I prayed and had faith that things would all work out and that in the end, my marriage would be okay and I would magically be in love with my husband again.

                My understanding of the things that were being said by those at church was that if I just had more faith than I could save my marriage and make it work and I wouldn’t have to get a divorce. Also, the church discourages divorce unless there is physical or sexual abuse in the home. And then lastly, I didn’t want everyone at church to hate me or look down on my because I chose to leave my husband. Those are some of the reasons I stayed as long as I did. They are not the only reasons, but those are the reasons that have to do with the church.

                That is what I mean when I say “marriage within the LDS church”. I hope that makes more sense to those that were confused. I am sure that there will be more on this topic sprinkled into other posts and I hope this will give you a reference point and some extra insight into the things I may say.

                To recap what I have said, I believe in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day saints. I believe in the teachings and I think those teachings are pure and truly come from a loving Heavenly Father who only wants to help us succeed. Sometimes though, the teachings are taught imperfectly simply because they are taught by humans and we all know that no one is perfect. What the LDS church is at its core is beautiful and wonderful but can on occasion look skewed because we aren’t perfect and we say or word things differently or incorrectly and our own personal opinions trickle in and start to take on somewhat of a new meaning.

                Because the opinions of others seem to take on a form of truth at church or someone lets their personal view of something affect how they treat me, it has made it very difficult at times to remember that those things are NOT the actual beliefs of the LDS church. I have been angry, sad, and frustrated but that is all due to the culture within the LDS church at times and in certain places, not because of the church itself.  

                If you have any other questions, please post them below or send me a message, I am happy to answer them the best that I can.